well, it's been a while. things have been good in some ways back here-- and bad in others. living situation is possibly not all that stable. just got all my stuff moved in- not sure now how long i will be there. my roomie/landlady is real nonconfrontational and asked a friend of mine (a couple of times) how long i am planning on staying. this added stress has done me no good and threw me into an anxiety tailspin last night. i have been missing A quite a bit lately, for some reason or other. i seem to be quite fully capable of being lonely, sad, and miserable here in Austin. had some pretty big suicidal thoughts the other day-- thinking about how all my things are all in the storage unit. the messy state of my belongings has been the thing that stopped me from suiciding in the past--- i don't want my loved ones to have to deal with cleaning up all my stuff. i don't have that to stop me now.so i have to stay on my toes

Well, i am back here.living at a friend'

Well, i am back here.living at a friend's house.all my stuff is en route.sleeping on a saltillo tile floor. It's hard. I miss A here. A lot. So many associations etc. No wonder she headed for LA, if it was at all like this for her. I have not had a good night's sleep in what seems like forever and am so exhausted my emotional state seems pretty shaky. Bought a new bike, which i have had my eye on for a good while now. Impulsive? Perhaps, but it willultimately be helpful, i think.

So it's my last night in nc .weird. Sad.

So it's my last night in nc .weird. Sad. Excited. Scared.eager. All these things. Packing has been emotionally tough.

Waiting on the big box to get here so i

Waiting on the big box to get here so i can put my life into it and close the door. Yesterday was my last day of work and of dbt group. Tough day. Also actually spoke to A for about 30 minutes last night. MOstly logistical, but i think good. I have so very much to do in the next few days. If you read this and you pray or send out vibes or whatever-- send some my way, please.

I am moving a week from today. I have so very much to do and I had no idea packing up my house would be such an emotionally fucked up thing. I keep finding pictures, knickknacks whatever that just serve to remind me of what I don't have right now and may never have again and I feel like taking everything apart and packing it all up is dismantling what is left of us and just putting it in some boxes to be packed away. It's been really hard and I am often on the verge of tears-- but I cannot even seem to cry properly-- I start and everything just feels all blocked up and it just stops almost immediately. Maybe I will find the right shoulder to cry on down there at home and just let go. I just need someone to hold onto me tight like they care and just tell me everything is gonna be fine; but it won't happen here. Maybe once I get home. I am moving into the house of a friend down in Austin-- basically renting a bedroom and so probably over 90% of what I have is just going into storage... Phew. I just have to keep on working and get this done. I just have to keep on working and get this done.

man, this has been a hard weekend. Reall

man, this has been a hard weekend. Really feeling lost and hollowed out. Packing up this house, things keep reminding me of her and it really hurts. Urges to self injury come and go. I almost cry, but tears don't seem to wanna flow. I thought it was 2am--just realized it's 3.fuck. This is just all so awful and fucked.

Feeling pretty miserable tonight. I don'

Feeling pretty miserable tonight. I don't know why. Well, i do know why-- but i don't know why tonight. Missing her pretty hard. Going to a friends to watch a movie. Gotta lose this funk somehow.