well, it's been a while. things have been good in some ways back here-- and bad in others. living situation is possibly not all that stable. just got all my stuff moved in- not sure now how long i will be there. my roomie/landlady is real nonconfrontational and asked a friend of mine (a couple of times) how long i am planning on staying. this added stress has done me no good and threw me into an anxiety tailspin last night. i have been missing A quite a bit lately, for some reason or other. i seem to be quite fully capable of being lonely, sad, and miserable here in Austin. had some pretty big suicidal thoughts the other day-- thinking about how all my things are all in the storage unit. the messy state of my belongings has been the thing that stopped me from suiciding in the past--- i don't want my loved ones to have to deal with cleaning up all my stuff. i don't have that to stop me now.so i have to stay on my toes

Well, i am back here.living at a friend'

Well, i am back here.living at a friend's house.all my stuff is en route.sleeping on a saltillo tile floor. It's hard. I miss A here. A lot. So many associations etc. No wonder she headed for LA, if it was at all like this for her. I have not had a good night's sleep in what seems like forever and am so exhausted my emotional state seems pretty shaky. Bought a new bike, which i have had my eye on for a good while now. Impulsive? Perhaps, but it willultimately be helpful, i think.

So it's my last night in nc .weird. Sad.

So it's my last night in nc .weird. Sad. Excited. Scared.eager. All these things. Packing has been emotionally tough.

Waiting on the big box to get here so i

Waiting on the big box to get here so i can put my life into it and close the door. Yesterday was my last day of work and of dbt group. Tough day. Also actually spoke to A for about 30 minutes last night. MOstly logistical, but i think good. I have so very much to do in the next few days. If you read this and you pray or send out vibes or whatever-- send some my way, please.

I am moving a week from today. I have so very much to do and I had no idea packing up my house would be such an emotionally fucked up thing. I keep finding pictures, knickknacks whatever that just serve to remind me of what I don't have right now and may never have again and I feel like taking everything apart and packing it all up is dismantling what is left of us and just putting it in some boxes to be packed away. It's been really hard and I am often on the verge of tears-- but I cannot even seem to cry properly-- I start and everything just feels all blocked up and it just stops almost immediately. Maybe I will find the right shoulder to cry on down there at home and just let go. I just need someone to hold onto me tight like they care and just tell me everything is gonna be fine; but it won't happen here. Maybe once I get home. I am moving into the house of a friend down in Austin-- basically renting a bedroom and so probably over 90% of what I have is just going into storage... Phew. I just have to keep on working and get this done. I just have to keep on working and get this done.

man, this has been a hard weekend. Reall

man, this has been a hard weekend. Really feeling lost and hollowed out. Packing up this house, things keep reminding me of her and it really hurts. Urges to self injury come and go. I almost cry, but tears don't seem to wanna flow. I thought it was 2am--just realized it's 3.fuck. This is just all so awful and fucked.

Feeling pretty miserable tonight. I don'

Feeling pretty miserable tonight. I don't know why. Well, i do know why-- but i don't know why tonight. Missing her pretty hard. Going to a friends to watch a movie. Gotta lose this funk somehow.

So, my step dad is still in the hospital, but as of yesterday came out of ICU. He has had bleeding from his colon and they could not run any tests or really fix anything because they had been unable to get him stabilized. Thankfully, he seems to be doing a lot better.
Him going in the hospital really threw me. I have felt, the last few days, like I am not doing so well. I really felt like I had been bearing up well to everything-- kinda continually surprising myself. The last few days have been really tough.
I think Thursday I basically gave notice at work. That went well, although I was hoping to get my boss to wrangle me a layoff. No Dice on that. Oh well.
I am feeling kind of scared. I miss my wife and I miss our other dog (who she took) and I feel like everything that provided any form of stability to me is gone or going and I am afraid of whether I am strong enough to deal.
I have slept a lot this weekend... always a bad sign for me. And I have so much to do.

talked to A on the phone for the first time since her move. She had texted me night bfore last to ask how I was doing. Talking to her makes me hurt. But i had to let her know my stepdad was ailing... I am kind of upset about him just talking to her makes me more upset and i feel pretty bad right now.
It's what i don't hear in her voice that makes me feel what has been lost

Well, I asked my boss today if he could get the powers that be to lay me off. Probably could have picked a better time than when he was walking out the door; just sorta got this "now or never " feeling and went for it. He asked me why-- I said I need to go home. He said we could talk about it tomorrow, he had to get to this dinner.
OK.
So right after that i gte this call. Saw it was a Houston number. Was my sister and I know it's just wrong for her to call me during the workday so instantly I am worried. Well, my stepfather was rushed to the hospital today, very sick. Some kind of internal bleeding. He is being put into ICU and this sounds sort of bad. He has diabetes and the beginnings of kidney failure and lots of health things. He is such a good, kind, gentle man and means the world to me. I am scared.

So i felt like a heel yesterday telling the dbt group leaders that i am leaving. i promised I would be here for at least 6 months. Oh well. it's my health and my life.  time to start packing, i think.

April 1st.
that's my date to be back home in TX.
I have a place to live arranged; with a friend. She only wants 250 a month rent!
I have a lot to do in the meantime; but it's cool.
I recently realized that I honestly think I am more sane and emotionally ok than I have ever been. I am sad about my marriage; btu that is reasonable and to be expected and it's ok and I can accept that.
This whole situation has been like some sort of major shock therapy or something.
I cannot wait to get home.
I don't have a job lined up but I will have a bit of family help and I know things will be ok.
If I can be this ok isolated and alone out here; getting back to being aroound people who love me will be awesome.

Well, i tried to make a post and did it

Well, i tried to make a post and did it wrong, apparently-- it seems to have disappeared into the ether somewhere. Bah.

So, A left for LA this morning. We had a

So, A left for LA this morning. We had a decent bit of conversation yesterday, and last night her dad did our taxes. Between state and fed i am getting back close to 800 bucks. I am ok. I have become pretty clear about the fact that i am going back to tx soon. I really think it is the right thing for me to do right now. Did some fun stuff today. Went and skated the 2 known ditches in the vicinity and had some Jamaican food. Had a nice steak for dinner. It was good, but not one of my better efforts- cooking wise

Well, my therapist really thinks I have made a lot of progress.  I feel I have, too. I have my moments of doubt and pain and freakiness, for sure -- lots of them are chronicled on this here blog thing.
A moves to LA this weekend sometime. We spoke yesterday, not bad as far as our conversations go these days. There's a definite iciness to her that is almost palpable.. she's very much trying to protect herself and I can understand that.  I have had a lot of realizations about things and tried to tell her in this note:

          "   Nice to talk to you today. Look... there's some stuff I want to say and I hope you will listen or read this slowly and think about it. This is from the heart, A.
I really want happiness for you. I love you. And what I mean when I say that is that you are precious to me. Period. You are. And have been. And will be. No matter what.
I do not blame you for what has happened. I also know it is not all my fault. I do not hate you for all of this. I am not the biggest fan of the situation, but so be it. This is not how I would have chosen things to be. It was not my choice to make, though. I am accepting the situation, and looking for what choices do exist for me to make. Choosing to find the good that can arise from this situation is one thing. I am doing that. Growing and learning. My therapist is pretty amazed at how well I have handled things and how I have been doing.
Choosing to let go of resentments and forgive where necessary is another.

I am choosing to explore my feelings good and bad and learn about myself and what and who is inside. I am finding that I am a lot stronger than either of us thought. So much of my life is in a state of chaos right now, but I am choosing to be the still point at the center.
I am choosing to learn what lessons I can from all this and there are a lot. If this was school I would say that you are a tough teacher, but i have learned a lot in your class. I am choosing to learn to be the guy I wish I had been able to be for you in the past. Maybe you'll meet him sometime.
I am choosing to wish for your happiness and inner peace. I do really love you and only want the best for you and your life, A . Remember my note to my mom about how she has taught me a lot abnout unconditional love? So have you.
You are a dear, dear person. I am learning to see the gray in life (not just blacks and whites) and I still know you are pretty wonderful-- in a lot of ways you probably don't know. Please take care and know you are loved immensely and unconditionally and forever. And someone out here (hopefully in Texas really soon!) has always got your back.

Now go back and read it again please... I really mean all of this.
Yours Truly,
J"

I hope she is ready to understand and believe this.

so ...... Valentine's Day. Not a fan of it this year.  I have been doing pretty ok... honest!!! Still need to catch up on housework, badly; but getting more sleep and feeling better in general.  Just this damn Valentine's day cannot help but remind me of what I have lost and what I do not have and what I want and what I need. I know all of these are not the same thing (or person). I really miss feeling loved and wanted and needed.
No communication with A in about a week. I am sure she's getting ready to move. I know her youth and immaturity played a huge role in all this. I hope she gets what she needs out of her jaunt to LA. . I wish her well. I miss the physical closeness (not just sex) more than anything. Mentally and emotionally dealing with her wore me out towards the end. She can push my buttons like no one else and we are both so hyper-sensitive to one another, it's terrible at times.

Well, I am not as prolific lately. things I want to write occur to me at the wrong times etc. etc.
Lately I have this sneaking suapicion that this may be the best thing that ever happened to me regardless of the outcome with A. The intense self scrutiny and reevaluation of everything in my life is bearing some fruit. and I am learning to really look at me and like what I see ok.
While it has definitely been tough-- my worst fears came true (more or less) -- I have not crumbled and I have not collapsed. I am learning to live in the now much more (mindfulness rocks) and trying to face my feelings. It hurts pretty bad sometimes, but I think it probably should.
I am pretty hellbent on getting back to Texas-- I have such a great support network there, and i feel my future is back home. Resumes have been flying out with little response; but something will happen. I need to leave here. There is little or no value that I can find in unnecessary suffering and thats something being mostly alone out here is providing me plenty of.
As a friend of mine, who has offered me a room in her home puts it:
"Hurry back. I will have it ready immediately.I hope you're doing ok. I'm sure you have friends there but so many people love you here. Don't let it be a financial situation that keeps you there. It's not worth it. So, whatever you need to do just know that you can stay here indefinitely if you need a support system and you know that's in Austin get yer ass back. "
Man, I love my friends.
Had a busy weekend.
Saturday got up early for a Zen Meditation workshop. Pretty excllent. I have a zafu and zabuton arriving today (I hope-- ordered them from a company 227 miles from here-- in NC and they have traveled to Atlanta, then Roanoke VA in the last few days-- seems stupid and wasteful, but...). Practice definitely helps.
Then went and skated the ditch in Durham. Got to meet a guy I remember seeing a lot in Skateboarder magazine back in the 70's and skate a bit with him, which was cool! Talked a while to a friend who is going down to Guatemala tomorrow with his wife to adopt a little girl.
Got up early sunday and went out to an outlaw slalom race in Hillsboro (about a 15 minute drive). Good fun, although there was about a 30 mph headwind and I failed to ever have a clean run. Cops showed in early afternoon and kicked us out. I don't know what I did sunday. went to Souther Season and bought some Bacon salt, which is a quality product, if you can deal with the sodium increase. Selling off some skateboards to buy a new bicycle. Slower going than I thought, but it's going.

ok, skipped about a week on here.
figured i'd put up this message I sent to a friend, explains a bunch of the last week or so:

Well, i was feeling much much worse, and now I am at least feeling better than that; trying to just let go as much as I can of her. She's moving out to LA for some crazy reason, and I wanted to see her before she left, she said no I got pretty upset blah blah blah. I am getting to be pretty dead set on getting my ass back to austin. I am trying here to develop a life; but it's tough. People are weird here etc. I figure that being here is causing me to have a harder time than I would at home and i fail to see any value or nobility in unnecessary suffering. I am just gonna try to go on with my life. If she wants to be a part of it at some point, we can talk about it. If not, somewhere around 51% of the population are females etc etc. I have stuff I have to work on and i don't think she's gonna find what she's looking for by running away. I think that she can distract herself with a new city etc (which she may hate because she's quite the penny-pincher and LA ain't cheap-- especially for people with no professional qualifications) but I think she will still find herself unhappy. She's young and immature for her age, in a lot of ways. I am pissed she let shit get to the point where things were so messed up (to her) before she could tell me how seriously things were bugging her. That makes me mad. I am pissed because I really meant the vows I took and would bust my ass and move some mountains to make things better; had I been aware of things (my fault, partially). But I am sending resumes out like crazy, with very little response, starting to get a few nibbles though. MY job here has become unstable and uncertain--- which is a kind of instability i So do not need right now; but maybe it will help usher me back home. Praying I get laid off and 3 months severance pay and 3 months benefits... that would get me home and set up in high style. Been working my therapy and skills group and trying to make myself better capable of being healthy and happy (or less unhappy all the time) and able to maintain (hopefully) a more stable relationship, be it with A or some one else. I have to forge ahead and keep on going. She will probably realize that this was her loss (or at least quite a loss) . Maybe I'll be amenable to trying again, maybe not.

Not quite feeling so bad now, Went to the dr appt and I feel a bit better.
I finally got a txt back from a last night, at my 5 minute break in dbt group. I had asked her what happened to what she said " I'll always take your calls, or call back asap if i can't talk"
she replied that the last thing I had said on the phone was extremely hurtful and manipulative. I countered that not everything I say that hurts is manipulative; that I was letting her know some of what i was feeling. No response. Hmmm. Maybe I will call her.

Bad, bad thoughts are picking away relen

Bad, bad thoughts are picking away relentlessly at my mind, like vultures tearing mouthfuls out of something dead.

why am i getting worse? This hurts so m

why am i getting worse? This hurts so much. I can feel it in my stomach and i'm constantly on the verge of tears today.

Ok. Maybe i screwed up. Sent A a txt las

Ok. Maybe i screwed up. Sent A a txt last night, apologizing for usetting her. No reply and she will not take my calls. Maybe she's just upset. I think she thought i was happy and doing just fine

People keep telling me that I am doing really good-- so maybe there is something to that. If this is really good, it still sucks. I am trying real hard, though. I just hope I can maintain my strength. I am finding that I must have some reserve of strength i did not suspect, which is nice. But I dream about tequila, razor blades and great big kitchen knives-- all going into me in one way or another, which is not so nice. I spoke to her this evening, she does not want me to visit. She says it would be too much for her to handle emotionally and would make her sad. In most of my communications with her since she left I have been relentlessly upbeat and focused on the things that were going well for me. Maybe she felt I wasn't hurting much and that things were fine-- or the way I was communicating with her gave her that Idea. She started crying when I told her (tonight) that the last hug I have had from anyone was the last one she gave me when she left. She got much worse when I brought up the fact that it messed me up pretty bad that she she knew that was a strong possibility or likelihood of me getting really suicidal (enough to act) and felt bad enough about things that she had to go anyway and was (maybe) willing to take that chance. She started crying too hard to carry on a conversation at that point and asked me to say bye so she could go. I hope she knows I was not trying to be manipulative or anything and that I was just finally showing her a side of things she has not been privy to. I guess out of some love for her and wanting her not to hurt, I have not spoken to her much about how i am doing, more about what I am doing; and she has purposefully chosen not to think about things. I guess I kinda made her think about some of those things. I don't know if that's bad. A Part of me feels pretty bad for upsetting her, a part of me feels relief to at least see some emotion from her.

well

I am a little better today. Took a little work to get to feeling better last night, a little writing, too and an unexpected call from a friend. Wish I didn't have to go to work today.
I may need to start thinking in terms of getting out of NC. There's so much to do here to get home, though. And.. I know home is not the same place I left. That doesn't mean it's worse, just going to be different. There are definitely more people there who love me than there are here... that's for sure.
I think A is in a very selfish place right now. Maybe that's where she needs to be, maybe not. She' certainly not living a very considered life at the moment, at least in some ways.
To be honest, a big part of the reason I want to visit her is to just be close to someone for a few hours, and to see her before she goes away.

Well, I posted this up on a bpd board i go to sometimes. thought i'd just slam it up here to keep all my junk in one place.
Lots of rehash for the loyal reader. Sorry

"As I said in my intro thread, my wife left on New Year's Day. She claims to love me and that she always will, etc. but she had to pick her well being over mine or ours and split back to TX.I am out here, 1300 miles from home with very, very little in the way of friends. I have 2 real friends here, neither closer than about 30 minutes away and neither are at the type of close friends i need right now. Seeing my therapist, going to DBT and doing my homeworks as much as I can, and doing my job. I do have 2 great dogs, and they have been a comfort; but coming home at night is awful. Weekends are awful. I am feeling all of these things I thought I would never have to feel again. Dysphoria definitely makes its presence known.Anyway, to the point. My wife left, she's been staying at her dad's house and working to save money. Well, she is saving money to move to LA from Austin, with a male "friend" who is moving there from PA. She maintains, and has maintained that this guy really is just a frend and that she knows a lot better than to get involved in anything right now. A big part of me believes her, she is a pretty honest person. I think the gravity of what leaving me has done and is has not really hit her yet, things have been pretty exciting in her life and she has had this move to look forward to. She admits she has not thought about things much; but figures she will once she gets settled and into a routine. Fine. I did really well with her leaving (it was an SI incident coupled with an argument where I took the keys so she could not leave that triggered the decision for her) it was about as cordial as could be (it took about 3days for her dad to get her to get her and her stuff, we actually had an ok time (we always have whenever we have broken out of our normal routines); and she left calling it a separation; having backed off from divorce pretty quickly-- she told me she didn't want to "close any doors".Well, it tears me up she is moving to LA. I know she has always wanted to live in a huge city and may just be doing it while she feels she can. I am lonely and miserable here and may try to get back home as soon as I can. I do have therapy and a job here; but what i need right now is some kind of human contact; someone to hold me and say that things will be alright, however they work out. I don't have that at all. And it bugs me, the idea that she will not be around if and when i get back home.I called her today and asked if I could come see her before she left for LA, she said she would have to think about it. I can't tell if this was a bad move on my part-- but it hurt real bad when she didn't just say yes. I have been trying so hard up here-- no drinking (almost 6 years sober), no SI (despite some thoughts and urges to SI and worse), no impulsive hookups or anything, been working out and getting to work and taking care fo the dogs and paying my and her bills; but her moving is really harsh on me. I feel that she has taken little accountability for this whole thing and may be happy to just lay more of it at the feet of my bpd than she should. I have tried to make her leaving as smoth as possible for her, because I love her; but am I just still clinging, bpd style?I am working to get my emotions sorted out and observe them; but I am not good at seperating what is bpd type stuff from what is real grief. I have a good bit of long distance support; but that only lingers so long after you hang up the phone and i really feel that I am fighting for my life here, and having to do it pretty much all alone.Anyone have any advice for me? Any at all?thanks and sorry for the novel............ "

So i talked to A . I asked her if I could come see her. She said she's gonna have to think about it.
my hands are shaking now. I guess I'll probably talk to her tomorrow and she'll probably say no. I am trying not to cry because i am at work.
 I guess that was really weak of me. I suck and I need to just give up.

So, I think I am gonna ask A if I can see her before she moves away. I can get relatively cheap flights to San Antonio and maybe she will come down there and pick me up at the airport and we can spend the day and night together at a hotel there and she can take me back to the airport the next day or something. I am afraid she will say no. I don't even know if this is a good idea. I left her a text asking her to call when she can-- that I have something to ask her.

Monday Again

oh boy. it's Monday.
What a crappy weekend, for the most part.
I don't know if i have ever been this generally lonely.
I really didn't get much of anything done this weekend, especially around the house.
I did work out, which was good.
I just feel this malaise coming on when i am at home and it is so hard to do anything.
I did do some laundry, so I guess that's something.
I guess I need to break the house down into rooms and just go after one at a time.
Still having the occasional intrusive suicidal thought here and there. The other night it was one where I could not stop thinking about getting one of my big kitchen knifes and shoving it between two ribs and into my heart. Crappy thought to keep coming back to me.
I hate living up here, I have decided. One on level, I seem to have everything I need-- job, nice house, therapies, gym. But on the other hand; I am so isolated and just feel myself withering away inside. There's not even anybody up here to just hold me and squeeze me tight and tell me things are going to be OK. I remember reading in school about some study or something of some orphan kids who basically withdrew and died due to lack of human touch; and another study with monkeys where they got everything they needed, except for touch and physical contact; i think a bunch of them died as well. That's kind of how i feel. I feel as if I am doing better than i would have thought i would; but I am just feeling so alone that it's driving me crazy.
I think I have only cried twice since A left. If I had someone to hold and comfort me I might be better able to let it out, but there is no one. I don't know if I can live like this for too much longer. Maybe I can. I feel like I am drowning.

Well, it's Friday already, and one again I have neglected this blog for longer than I had intended to. Made it to both therapy sessions this week. Both were good. I am definitely becoming a believer in DBT. It has made a pretty big impact on how i deal with things, already-- and that's just after 2 groups. The core mindfulness practice and the whole concept of consciously making benign interpretations both kick ass.
We start each group with a mindfulness meditation, usually these are fairly guided and I am not sure I could really guide myself like that -- so I branched out a bit and picked up a 2 cd audio set from Thich Nhat Hanh, which contains a number of really simple exercises that make it pretty easy to just take a few moments and get back into now. Me like.
I have embarked on this weekend with no plans. Gotta make sure and make it a good one, somehow.
Have a lot of housework to do. Went and got some dish soap and laundry soap at Trader Joe's. I like their prices a lot. Have to break this house into sections and clean em up.
3 workouts at the gym this week. Working on the TNT plan, which slots well into my ketogenic diet (which I have been doing a while now, with great results). Basically, you work out 3 times a week-- pretty much all resistance training, and if you are trying to burn fat off rather than just build muscle, the main change you make in your diet is to protein load before and after each workout. This helps you keep building while still burning off the fat. Time will tell, but I figured working out was the next step to kick this weight loss thing into a higher gear. My glutes and thighs are sore as hell today, and it feels good.
Still feeling a lot of loss and loneliness. I miss my wife.

Who Likes mondays?

not me, that's for sure. So hard to get out of bed this morning. Hard to get to sleep, too. Since I am now the sole (human) occupant of the bed. I moved over to the middle last night. The reasoning was simple- if I stay on "my" side of the bed, one dog snuggles against me and is all happy; but the other one gets whiny or sits there looking at me and making weird groaning sounds when i try to go to sleep. SO I moved over to the middle and ended up with one dog on either side. Nice in theory, in practice- pretty crappy. Got too warm pretty quickly and sleeping dogs are like big bags of sand-- as soon as you shift over, they fill up the space, so it was like being too hot and slowly, gently crushed between two furry, farting sandbags. My life is glamorous.
I hate coming home at the end of the day. It is such a lonely prospect. I love my dogs-- i do. But i feel bad because I truly dread coming home. Often, they can cheer me up a bit for a minute after I get home and let them out then let them back in and let them crawl all over me. But; dogs cannot fill the large cavity that seems to be engulfing my heart and my life right now.
I struggle to banish self-destructive thoughts these days. It works sometimes. I still have thoughts of suicide more than I wish I would. Not necessarily strong impulses; but more subtle and casual thoughts about it. The dogs and all my (stupid) material possessions help a bit with fighting them back.
I have responsibilities and who would take care of my dogs before I was found?? (maybe they would get hungry and start to eat me like some of those horrible stories you hear about-- I would not wish for anyone to have to find that) and who would have to deal with all my stuff?? The house is not a wreck, but all this stuff is not something I would feel OK about foisting on someone. That's not to mention the knowledge of the pain it would cause. Since A left I have found out I have more friends than I thought- that more people care than I figured. I really would not want them and my family to have to live with the emotional echoes of my suicide in their hearts and minds. So, for now, I guess I feel somewhat safe in the knowledge that I am a little bit too considerate to kill myself. Having a dirty house stopped me once before a long time ago when I think I was closer than I am today.
I am reasonably certain that when all this started to happen, that my mom and A thought there was a good chance that the next time they saw me would be in a box. That is one things that hurts bad about A leaving-- she knew that was a strong possibility or likelihood (nothing I had threatened or anything-- that's a heavy and foolish card to play) of that and felt bad enough about things that she had to go anyway and was (maybe) willing to take that chance.
Shortly before she left she had a dream that I had died or something and said she saw my face all battered and bloody and was crying for hours about it., almost inconsolably.
I made a pact with my friend BB when we were young -- I was about 17 and she was 16-- that we would die before the age of 40. She died in a car wreck 6 months later. I lived up until my 40th birthday (oh God was that ONLY 3 MONTHS AGO?!?!) convinced I would not see 40. I did and in my heart I apologized to BB. Sometimes, now, I feel like this would all be better if I had died before I hit 40.
Cheerful post today.

I have this fear that some of the friends and people who reached out to me initially may stop (some have already as far as I can tell) ... maybe they don't know the whole story about me and my issues and struggles , maybe they feel I should be on the "road to recovery" by now? I don't know. I am fucked up, and lonely, and scared, and really feel alone . Nothing brings me joy these days, there are short, momentary reprieves.. but then I have to come home or be home alone. This is killing me. Killing. Me.

Well, did not end up getting the 3 or 4

Well, did not end up getting the 3 or 4 inches of snow they said we would. Glad. I was actually able to leave the house today and go to they gym. The gym by my house sucks. Still good enough to work out, though. Went to Whole Foods and got some stuff. Fighting with rumination and non-benign interpretations, regarding stuff with A Semi-successful. Watching some comedy and trying to be amused.Anhedonia is a Bitch.

SO , several things to report.
I may not have a whole lot of job security. My boss was the acting CEO and when he was in NJ last week, the new CEO was named. Much more of a company man and he and my boss do not get along well. Upcoming work related travel (to a trade show) was cancelled for most of us, the new bonus structure was put on hold (or frozen) and well, I don't know. My boss said he would not discourage people from looking around for other jobs; but recommended that we ought to try and wait and see. At worst there would probably be some decent severance.
I don't need this fucking turbulence. God , I really don't. I can try and go back to the place I left to do the job I have now, they were bummed to see me go and emphasized that the door was always open (they will probably be pretty accommodating towards the therapy thing too. They thought I left because I was depressed. I was depressed, for sure, and I know better than to tell them some of the other reasons I was unhappy there. They would have taken them personally and a bridge would be burned. in retrospect, I don't know how much was me and how much was the job. I think, though, that a lot was me and being depressed.
Maybe A and I should stay split up. I think there are things going on with her that she is not telling me. But wait, I am bpd-- so it has to be imaginary, right? I dunno. I do love her a lot.
Spoke to L, a former flame for several hours today. She is a counselor/social worker and has had some experience with bpd folk-- she had some with me a while back too. our situation, when we met and got together or whatever, was so messed up. It is almost too much to go into. Could probably make a long book out of it, were I so inclined. It was great to talk to her, though. Felt like we hadn't missed much of a beat, wasn't really ever weird or anything. Thanks, L-- you have become much wiser in the intervening years and talking to you was both nice and helpful.
Talked to my mom for a while too... which was nice. She was talking to my 2nd cousin (who is probably about 65-70 and very well off) about my situation with A and he asked her if she thought I would like to "Take a break and go back to school". He said he would pay for it! That is pretty intriguing; especially in light of my current possible job instability.
Not sure what I would take in school; but I know I would do a lot better than i did the first go round. I have grown up in some ways. Probably think about something that might lead to bit more stability. This software industry has proven rather unstable.
Hurting inside, it is snowing/raining outside and I have been unable to get out due to not wanting to deal with frozen roads and the insanity of drivers out here. A bit stir crazy and a lot just plain crazy.
Had tickets to the final cut of "Blade Runner" tonight, missed it, due to weather. pah.
Weight is down to 268. Need to drop more. Need to hit the gym.
I think i need some tapes or cds or something of guided mindfulness exercises.
I cannot wait to get back to group DBT.
Did the dishes today and cleaned up the kitchen.
Went out last night to Durham. Kind of fun; but both the friend I went with and I felt kinda out of place most places we went. Need to meet more people. need a social life.

well.. she did text me today, soon after I wrote that.. so that's better, i guess.

very lonely and hurting today
DBT group yesterday was very cool, though!
A and I had talked a lot the last few days. Yesterday/today= nothing.
I am trying to practice benign interpretations and that works as long as I am mindful. I get distracted and things go haywire in my head.
I sent her a message yesterday just to let her know, moving forward, that i still believe in "US". I hope that's not the problem. It is just a statement of something i believe, that I think we can be together at some point and things be a lot better.
Dr. Appt later today. I need it/

Well, I start DBT skills group today and am pretty excited about it. Later tonight going to go socialize and see a band in Durham. Should be cool. Gonna see another one tomorrow, some friends are playing at an art gallery type place. Saturday, going to see Blade Runner: Final Cut on the silver screen at the Carolina Theater.
Got my Dr. App't tomorrow, not gonna miss this one.
Been having a lot of bad feelings now and then lately.
Oh yeah, and I joined a gym yesterday, so I can start working out. One location is less than a mile from my house. Huzzah.

well, i have been remiss in my posting duties.
it's been 2 weeks since she left, the second week has been so much harder than the first one.
I don't always know how to seperate the borderline stuff from the genuine grief sometimes. Just driving home at the end of the day is so bad
i feel like i'm coming apart inside.
i don't know.
i don't know.

On the positive side, i got into the DBT Group, which meets on thursdays.
looking forward to it and to seeing my doc on friday.

Second post for today......
well, so I screwed up
Had an app't today at 2, and next friday at 4. Entered the 4 oclock appt in my calendar and showed up at the Dr office at 4. Bummed, I really needed this today.
On the positive side-- I have an app't monday for a screen towards a coed DBT skills Group.
If all works out well, I can start in the group on thursday or the next thursday (if not it may be 6 weeks... yikes)
I feel like a piece of crap for missing my app't today and like a more overarching piece of crap for allowing myself to screw up the most important thing in my life (marriage)
Having a lot of anxious feelings today and a restless mind. Not much of self destructiveness or impulsiveness.
A never called me yesterday, which is ok. I sent her a txt msg last night "Hope you had a great day etc"
I get worried when I don't hear back from her. I know it's the bpd stuff making me ponder all kinds of stupid stuff. Rationally-- i think I am ok. It's her prerogative whether or not to get or be in touch with me. She needs time and space. I accept that .
I have a lot to do around the house. UGH.
Loneliness is a problem heading into the weekends-- main time I got to spend with her when she was here. Now not much of anyone but me and the dogs. Fucking lonely in this house.

So the last few days have been hard. Cannot stop thinking about things.
Told my neighbors about what has happened with A. They were saddened and very supportive.
Self destructive thoughts have been creeping in here and there. no impulses, though. I try to recognize the thoughts and let them go. Doesn't always work.
I really need to devote sometime later today to my house. It is not bad, but I need to get on top of things before it gets messy.
Went and had dinner with a couple of friends last night (a couple of friends who are a married couple) it was nice as well. Chicken Kabobs and watched some Planet Earth.
Dr. App't later today. looking forward to it.

well, I missed yesterday, but put some things down on paper. This week has been harder than last. I guess it's sinking in. I don't remember feeling this isolated and alone. Looking forward to my Psych app't tomorrow, hopefully can get some stuff done and get some direction for homework, etc.

I can't figure out if I want to stay up here in NC or move. It will be harder for me to give her the space she needs if we are in the same city. I don't wanna drive her out of there-- she has already talked about going to maybe live with some friends in PA for a while (pretty weird coming from somone who was as homesick as she was.

But I am so alone up here. I have a couple of friends here, but it certainly is not home.

this is lifted out of an email I was sending in response to a friend, thought it might be pertinent:

well I hardly know anyone up here; but when i can I hang out with friends.... been doing about half a benadryl to sleep some nights. I have 2 of the three dogs, so I have to keep it together to take care of them. They like to sleep in the bed, so that's pretty nice to at least have a lifeform next to you. I am seeing a therapist already and may start a group therapy thing (not really for the marriage stuff, but it is related)I quit drinking and other intoxicants almost 6 years ago and ain't going back to that (i would certainly die if i did).I still talk to her everyday... she really doesn't know what she's doing or thinking as far as i can tell. Being up here and so isolated messed both of us up and got things to an unhealthy place. I am trying to focus on fixing my shit. That's really all I can do. And I have been praying.
I have to control my self destructive impulses, that's the main deal. they hit from various directions and are a pain in the butt. I ran up a credit card pretty fast (new Xbox, books, movies some clothes etc) but am slowing down on it now. I am starving for physical human contact up here. Not necessarily sex, just caring touch and contact.

..more background

... so where was I?
Yeah. So. She left on New Year's day.
I miss her. Quite a bit.
Things had been building up for quite a while.
The week or two leading up to the Christmas holidays was a pretty awful time.
She had let me know that she really thought there was a big problem with US and that she didn't know whether she wanted to try and fix it. I was crushed to bits.
Shocked beyond belief and hurting. Just hurting.
I started doing some thinking. A lot of thinking.
Massive introspection and soul searching. Thinking about ways I had behaved that led to this point.
All I could do was try and figure out and take responsibility for my end of things.
Try and start fixing myself however I can,

So... I don't think anyone is reading this, but here are a few things about me.
The "boy" part of my name on here might be a bit of a misnomer, but I am a fan of alliteration and it was the first name i tried that was not taken.
I am a youngish 40 year old guy (people I meet seem to think I am in my late 20's most of the time). I am in the entertainment software industry (video games) and have been since 1996. I have 2 wonderful dogs-- Norwood and Saffy. I enjoy skateboarding and accumulating skateboards (I used to think it was collecting-- not so sure anymore)
I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder (among other things, but that's my target affliction-- the one I am really trying to do something about). It has wrecked (or played a big part in wrecking) every serious relationship I have ever tried to have in this life. I have just recently come to grips with this.
My wife-- we'll call her "A", left me on New Year's Day and moved back home-- 1300 miles away. We had been together since late summer of 2002 and married in October of 2004.
Both of us were lifelong Texans, but moved out here to NC in late summer of 05. I am still here. She's back in Texas.
I think this is enough for right now.

Let's see how this thing works

So ... yes. This is a place for me to write about my experiences with Borderline Personality Disorder and my attempts to take control of my life back from it.

does this work?

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