Ok. Maybe i screwed up. Sent A a txt las

Ok. Maybe i screwed up. Sent A a txt last night, apologizing for usetting her. No reply and she will not take my calls. Maybe she's just upset. I think she thought i was happy and doing just fine

People keep telling me that I am doing really good-- so maybe there is something to that. If this is really good, it still sucks. I am trying real hard, though. I just hope I can maintain my strength. I am finding that I must have some reserve of strength i did not suspect, which is nice. But I dream about tequila, razor blades and great big kitchen knives-- all going into me in one way or another, which is not so nice. I spoke to her this evening, she does not want me to visit. She says it would be too much for her to handle emotionally and would make her sad. In most of my communications with her since she left I have been relentlessly upbeat and focused on the things that were going well for me. Maybe she felt I wasn't hurting much and that things were fine-- or the way I was communicating with her gave her that Idea. She started crying when I told her (tonight) that the last hug I have had from anyone was the last one she gave me when she left. She got much worse when I brought up the fact that it messed me up pretty bad that she she knew that was a strong possibility or likelihood of me getting really suicidal (enough to act) and felt bad enough about things that she had to go anyway and was (maybe) willing to take that chance. She started crying too hard to carry on a conversation at that point and asked me to say bye so she could go. I hope she knows I was not trying to be manipulative or anything and that I was just finally showing her a side of things she has not been privy to. I guess out of some love for her and wanting her not to hurt, I have not spoken to her much about how i am doing, more about what I am doing; and she has purposefully chosen not to think about things. I guess I kinda made her think about some of those things. I don't know if that's bad. A Part of me feels pretty bad for upsetting her, a part of me feels relief to at least see some emotion from her.

well

I am a little better today. Took a little work to get to feeling better last night, a little writing, too and an unexpected call from a friend. Wish I didn't have to go to work today.
I may need to start thinking in terms of getting out of NC. There's so much to do here to get home, though. And.. I know home is not the same place I left. That doesn't mean it's worse, just going to be different. There are definitely more people there who love me than there are here... that's for sure.
I think A is in a very selfish place right now. Maybe that's where she needs to be, maybe not. She' certainly not living a very considered life at the moment, at least in some ways.
To be honest, a big part of the reason I want to visit her is to just be close to someone for a few hours, and to see her before she goes away.

Well, I posted this up on a bpd board i go to sometimes. thought i'd just slam it up here to keep all my junk in one place.
Lots of rehash for the loyal reader. Sorry

"As I said in my intro thread, my wife left on New Year's Day. She claims to love me and that she always will, etc. but she had to pick her well being over mine or ours and split back to TX.I am out here, 1300 miles from home with very, very little in the way of friends. I have 2 real friends here, neither closer than about 30 minutes away and neither are at the type of close friends i need right now. Seeing my therapist, going to DBT and doing my homeworks as much as I can, and doing my job. I do have 2 great dogs, and they have been a comfort; but coming home at night is awful. Weekends are awful. I am feeling all of these things I thought I would never have to feel again. Dysphoria definitely makes its presence known.Anyway, to the point. My wife left, she's been staying at her dad's house and working to save money. Well, she is saving money to move to LA from Austin, with a male "friend" who is moving there from PA. She maintains, and has maintained that this guy really is just a frend and that she knows a lot better than to get involved in anything right now. A big part of me believes her, she is a pretty honest person. I think the gravity of what leaving me has done and is has not really hit her yet, things have been pretty exciting in her life and she has had this move to look forward to. She admits she has not thought about things much; but figures she will once she gets settled and into a routine. Fine. I did really well with her leaving (it was an SI incident coupled with an argument where I took the keys so she could not leave that triggered the decision for her) it was about as cordial as could be (it took about 3days for her dad to get her to get her and her stuff, we actually had an ok time (we always have whenever we have broken out of our normal routines); and she left calling it a separation; having backed off from divorce pretty quickly-- she told me she didn't want to "close any doors".Well, it tears me up she is moving to LA. I know she has always wanted to live in a huge city and may just be doing it while she feels she can. I am lonely and miserable here and may try to get back home as soon as I can. I do have therapy and a job here; but what i need right now is some kind of human contact; someone to hold me and say that things will be alright, however they work out. I don't have that at all. And it bugs me, the idea that she will not be around if and when i get back home.I called her today and asked if I could come see her before she left for LA, she said she would have to think about it. I can't tell if this was a bad move on my part-- but it hurt real bad when she didn't just say yes. I have been trying so hard up here-- no drinking (almost 6 years sober), no SI (despite some thoughts and urges to SI and worse), no impulsive hookups or anything, been working out and getting to work and taking care fo the dogs and paying my and her bills; but her moving is really harsh on me. I feel that she has taken little accountability for this whole thing and may be happy to just lay more of it at the feet of my bpd than she should. I have tried to make her leaving as smoth as possible for her, because I love her; but am I just still clinging, bpd style?I am working to get my emotions sorted out and observe them; but I am not good at seperating what is bpd type stuff from what is real grief. I have a good bit of long distance support; but that only lingers so long after you hang up the phone and i really feel that I am fighting for my life here, and having to do it pretty much all alone.Anyone have any advice for me? Any at all?thanks and sorry for the novel............ "

So i talked to A . I asked her if I could come see her. She said she's gonna have to think about it.
my hands are shaking now. I guess I'll probably talk to her tomorrow and she'll probably say no. I am trying not to cry because i am at work.
 I guess that was really weak of me. I suck and I need to just give up.

So, I think I am gonna ask A if I can see her before she moves away. I can get relatively cheap flights to San Antonio and maybe she will come down there and pick me up at the airport and we can spend the day and night together at a hotel there and she can take me back to the airport the next day or something. I am afraid she will say no. I don't even know if this is a good idea. I left her a text asking her to call when she can-- that I have something to ask her.

Monday Again

oh boy. it's Monday.
What a crappy weekend, for the most part.
I don't know if i have ever been this generally lonely.
I really didn't get much of anything done this weekend, especially around the house.
I did work out, which was good.
I just feel this malaise coming on when i am at home and it is so hard to do anything.
I did do some laundry, so I guess that's something.
I guess I need to break the house down into rooms and just go after one at a time.
Still having the occasional intrusive suicidal thought here and there. The other night it was one where I could not stop thinking about getting one of my big kitchen knifes and shoving it between two ribs and into my heart. Crappy thought to keep coming back to me.
I hate living up here, I have decided. One on level, I seem to have everything I need-- job, nice house, therapies, gym. But on the other hand; I am so isolated and just feel myself withering away inside. There's not even anybody up here to just hold me and squeeze me tight and tell me things are going to be OK. I remember reading in school about some study or something of some orphan kids who basically withdrew and died due to lack of human touch; and another study with monkeys where they got everything they needed, except for touch and physical contact; i think a bunch of them died as well. That's kind of how i feel. I feel as if I am doing better than i would have thought i would; but I am just feeling so alone that it's driving me crazy.
I think I have only cried twice since A left. If I had someone to hold and comfort me I might be better able to let it out, but there is no one. I don't know if I can live like this for too much longer. Maybe I can. I feel like I am drowning.