Monday Again

oh boy. it's Monday.
What a crappy weekend, for the most part.
I don't know if i have ever been this generally lonely.
I really didn't get much of anything done this weekend, especially around the house.
I did work out, which was good.
I just feel this malaise coming on when i am at home and it is so hard to do anything.
I did do some laundry, so I guess that's something.
I guess I need to break the house down into rooms and just go after one at a time.
Still having the occasional intrusive suicidal thought here and there. The other night it was one where I could not stop thinking about getting one of my big kitchen knifes and shoving it between two ribs and into my heart. Crappy thought to keep coming back to me.
I hate living up here, I have decided. One on level, I seem to have everything I need-- job, nice house, therapies, gym. But on the other hand; I am so isolated and just feel myself withering away inside. There's not even anybody up here to just hold me and squeeze me tight and tell me things are going to be OK. I remember reading in school about some study or something of some orphan kids who basically withdrew and died due to lack of human touch; and another study with monkeys where they got everything they needed, except for touch and physical contact; i think a bunch of them died as well. That's kind of how i feel. I feel as if I am doing better than i would have thought i would; but I am just feeling so alone that it's driving me crazy.
I think I have only cried twice since A left. If I had someone to hold and comfort me I might be better able to let it out, but there is no one. I don't know if I can live like this for too much longer. Maybe I can. I feel like I am drowning.