Lots of rehash for the loyal reader. Sorry
"As I said in my intro thread, my wife left on New Year's Day. She claims to love me and that she always will, etc. but she had to pick her well being over mine or ours and split back to TX.I am out here, 1300 miles from home with very, very little in the way of friends. I have 2 real friends here, neither closer than about 30 minutes away and neither are at the type of close friends i need right now. Seeing my therapist, going to DBT and doing my homeworks as much as I can, and doing my job. I do have 2 great dogs, and they have been a comfort; but coming home at night is awful. Weekends are awful. I am feeling all of these things I thought I would never have to feel again. Dysphoria definitely makes its presence known.Anyway, to the point. My wife left, she's been staying at her dad's house and working to save money. Well, she is saving money to move to LA from Austin, with a male "friend" who is moving there from PA. She maintains, and has maintained that this guy really is just a frend and that she knows a lot better than to get involved in anything right now. A big part of me believes her, she is a pretty honest person. I think the gravity of what leaving me has done and is has not really hit her yet, things have been pretty exciting in her life and she has had this move to look forward to. She admits she has not thought about things much; but figures she will once she gets settled and into a routine. Fine. I did really well with her leaving (it was an SI incident coupled with an argument where I took the keys so she could not leave that triggered the decision for her) it was about as cordial as could be (it took about 3days for her dad to get her to get her and her stuff, we actually had an ok time (we always have whenever we have broken out of our normal routines); and she left calling it a separation; having backed off from divorce pretty quickly-- she told me she didn't want to "close any doors".Well, it tears me up she is moving to LA. I know she has always wanted to live in a huge city and may just be doing it while she feels she can. I am lonely and miserable here and may try to get back home as soon as I can. I do have therapy and a job here; but what i need right now is some kind of human contact; someone to hold me and say that things will be alright, however they work out. I don't have that at all. And it bugs me, the idea that she will not be around if and when i get back home.I called her today and asked if I could come see her before she left for LA, she said she would have to think about it. I can't tell if this was a bad move on my part-- but it hurt real bad when she didn't just say yes. I have been trying so hard up here-- no drinking (almost 6 years sober), no SI (despite some thoughts and urges to SI and worse), no impulsive hookups or anything, been working out and getting to work and taking care fo the dogs and paying my and her bills; but her moving is really harsh on me. I feel that she has taken little accountability for this whole thing and may be happy to just lay more of it at the feet of my bpd than she should. I have tried to make her leaving as smoth as possible for her, because I love her; but am I just still clinging, bpd style?I am working to get my emotions sorted out and observe them; but I am not good at seperating what is bpd type stuff from what is real grief. I have a good bit of long distance support; but that only lingers so long after you hang up the phone and i really feel that I am fighting for my life here, and having to do it pretty much all alone.Anyone have any advice for me? Any at all?thanks and sorry for the novel............ "
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