People keep telling me that I am doing really good-- so maybe there is something to that. If this is really good, it still sucks. I am trying real hard, though. I just hope I can maintain my strength. I am finding that I must have some reserve of strength i did not suspect, which is nice. But I dream about tequila, razor blades and great big kitchen knives-- all going into me in one way or another, which is not so nice. I spoke to her this evening, she does not want me to visit. She says it would be too much for her to handle emotionally and would make her sad. In most of my communications with her since she left I have been relentlessly upbeat and focused on the things that were going well for me. Maybe she felt I wasn't hurting much and that things were fine-- or the way I was communicating with her gave her that Idea. She started crying when I told her (tonight) that the last hug I have had from anyone was the last one she gave me when she left. She got much worse when I brought up the fact that it messed me up pretty bad that she she knew that was a strong possibility or likelihood of me getting really suicidal (enough to act) and felt bad enough about things that she had to go anyway and was (maybe) willing to take that chance. She started crying too hard to carry on a conversation at that point and asked me to say bye so she could go. I hope she knows I was not trying to be manipulative or anything and that I was just finally showing her a side of things she has not been privy to. I guess out of some love for her and wanting her not to hurt, I have not spoken to her much about how i am doing, more about what I am doing; and she has purposefully chosen not to think about things. I guess I kinda made her think about some of those things. I don't know if that's bad. A Part of me feels pretty bad for upsetting her, a part of me feels relief to at least see some emotion from her.