ok, skipped about a week on here.
figured i'd put up this message I sent to a friend, explains a bunch of the last week or so:

Well, i was feeling much much worse, and now I am at least feeling better than that; trying to just let go as much as I can of her. She's moving out to LA for some crazy reason, and I wanted to see her before she left, she said no I got pretty upset blah blah blah. I am getting to be pretty dead set on getting my ass back to austin. I am trying here to develop a life; but it's tough. People are weird here etc. I figure that being here is causing me to have a harder time than I would at home and i fail to see any value or nobility in unnecessary suffering. I am just gonna try to go on with my life. If she wants to be a part of it at some point, we can talk about it. If not, somewhere around 51% of the population are females etc etc. I have stuff I have to work on and i don't think she's gonna find what she's looking for by running away. I think that she can distract herself with a new city etc (which she may hate because she's quite the penny-pincher and LA ain't cheap-- especially for people with no professional qualifications) but I think she will still find herself unhappy. She's young and immature for her age, in a lot of ways. I am pissed she let shit get to the point where things were so messed up (to her) before she could tell me how seriously things were bugging her. That makes me mad. I am pissed because I really meant the vows I took and would bust my ass and move some mountains to make things better; had I been aware of things (my fault, partially). But I am sending resumes out like crazy, with very little response, starting to get a few nibbles though. MY job here has become unstable and uncertain--- which is a kind of instability i So do not need right now; but maybe it will help usher me back home. Praying I get laid off and 3 months severance pay and 3 months benefits... that would get me home and set up in high style. Been working my therapy and skills group and trying to make myself better capable of being healthy and happy (or less unhappy all the time) and able to maintain (hopefully) a more stable relationship, be it with A or some one else. I have to forge ahead and keep on going. She will probably realize that this was her loss (or at least quite a loss) . Maybe I'll be amenable to trying again, maybe not.