Well, I am not as prolific lately. things I want to write occur to me at the wrong times etc. etc.
Lately I have this sneaking suapicion that this may be the best thing that ever happened to me regardless of the outcome with A. The intense self scrutiny and reevaluation of everything in my life is bearing some fruit. and I am learning to really look at me and like what I see ok.
While it has definitely been tough-- my worst fears came true (more or less) -- I have not crumbled and I have not collapsed. I am learning to live in the now much more (mindfulness rocks) and trying to face my feelings. It hurts pretty bad sometimes, but I think it probably should.
I am pretty hellbent on getting back to Texas-- I have such a great support network there, and i feel my future is back home. Resumes have been flying out with little response; but something will happen. I need to leave here. There is little or no value that I can find in unnecessary suffering and thats something being mostly alone out here is providing me plenty of.
As a friend of mine, who has offered me a room in her home puts it:
"Hurry back. I will have it ready immediately.I hope you're doing ok. I'm sure you have friends there but so many people love you here. Don't let it be a financial situation that keeps you there. It's not worth it. So, whatever you need to do just know that you can stay here indefinitely if you need a support system and you know that's in Austin get yer ass back. "
Man, I love my friends.
Had a busy weekend.
Saturday got up early for a Zen Meditation workshop. Pretty excllent. I have a zafu and zabuton arriving today (I hope-- ordered them from a company 227 miles from here-- in NC and they have traveled to Atlanta, then Roanoke VA in the last few days-- seems stupid and wasteful, but...). Practice definitely helps.
Then went and skated the ditch in Durham. Got to meet a guy I remember seeing a lot in Skateboarder magazine back in the 70's and skate a bit with him, which was cool! Talked a while to a friend who is going down to Guatemala tomorrow with his wife to adopt a little girl.
Got up early sunday and went out to an outlaw slalom race in Hillsboro (about a 15 minute drive). Good fun, although there was about a 30 mph headwind and I failed to ever have a clean run. Cops showed in early afternoon and kicked us out. I don't know what I did sunday. went to Souther Season and bought some Bacon salt, which is a quality product, if you can deal with the sodium increase. Selling off some skateboards to buy a new bicycle. Slower going than I thought, but it's going.