well, it's been a while. things have been good in some ways back here-- and bad in others. living situation is possibly not all that stable. just got all my stuff moved in- not sure now how long i will be there. my roomie/landlady is real nonconfrontational and asked a friend of mine (a couple of times) how long i am planning on staying. this added stress has done me no good and threw me into an anxiety tailspin last night. i have been missing A quite a bit lately, for some reason or other. i seem to be quite fully capable of being lonely, sad, and miserable here in Austin. had some pretty big suicidal thoughts the other day-- thinking about how all my things are all in the storage unit. the messy state of my belongings has been the thing that stopped me from suiciding in the past--- i don't want my loved ones to have to deal with cleaning up all my stuff. i don't have that to stop me now.so i have to stay on my toes

Well, i am back here.living at a friend'

Well, i am back here.living at a friend's house.all my stuff is en route.sleeping on a saltillo tile floor. It's hard. I miss A here. A lot. So many associations etc. No wonder she headed for LA, if it was at all like this for her. I have not had a good night's sleep in what seems like forever and am so exhausted my emotional state seems pretty shaky. Bought a new bike, which i have had my eye on for a good while now. Impulsive? Perhaps, but it willultimately be helpful, i think.

So it's my last night in nc .weird. Sad.

So it's my last night in nc .weird. Sad. Excited. Scared.eager. All these things. Packing has been emotionally tough.

Waiting on the big box to get here so i

Waiting on the big box to get here so i can put my life into it and close the door. Yesterday was my last day of work and of dbt group. Tough day. Also actually spoke to A for about 30 minutes last night. MOstly logistical, but i think good. I have so very much to do in the next few days. If you read this and you pray or send out vibes or whatever-- send some my way, please.

I am moving a week from today. I have so very much to do and I had no idea packing up my house would be such an emotionally fucked up thing. I keep finding pictures, knickknacks whatever that just serve to remind me of what I don't have right now and may never have again and I feel like taking everything apart and packing it all up is dismantling what is left of us and just putting it in some boxes to be packed away. It's been really hard and I am often on the verge of tears-- but I cannot even seem to cry properly-- I start and everything just feels all blocked up and it just stops almost immediately. Maybe I will find the right shoulder to cry on down there at home and just let go. I just need someone to hold onto me tight like they care and just tell me everything is gonna be fine; but it won't happen here. Maybe once I get home. I am moving into the house of a friend down in Austin-- basically renting a bedroom and so probably over 90% of what I have is just going into storage... Phew. I just have to keep on working and get this done. I just have to keep on working and get this done.

man, this has been a hard weekend. Reall

man, this has been a hard weekend. Really feeling lost and hollowed out. Packing up this house, things keep reminding me of her and it really hurts. Urges to self injury come and go. I almost cry, but tears don't seem to wanna flow. I thought it was 2am--just realized it's 3.fuck. This is just all so awful and fucked.

Feeling pretty miserable tonight. I don'

Feeling pretty miserable tonight. I don't know why. Well, i do know why-- but i don't know why tonight. Missing her pretty hard. Going to a friends to watch a movie. Gotta lose this funk somehow.

So, my step dad is still in the hospital, but as of yesterday came out of ICU. He has had bleeding from his colon and they could not run any tests or really fix anything because they had been unable to get him stabilized. Thankfully, he seems to be doing a lot better.
Him going in the hospital really threw me. I have felt, the last few days, like I am not doing so well. I really felt like I had been bearing up well to everything-- kinda continually surprising myself. The last few days have been really tough.
I think Thursday I basically gave notice at work. That went well, although I was hoping to get my boss to wrangle me a layoff. No Dice on that. Oh well.
I am feeling kind of scared. I miss my wife and I miss our other dog (who she took) and I feel like everything that provided any form of stability to me is gone or going and I am afraid of whether I am strong enough to deal.
I have slept a lot this weekend... always a bad sign for me. And I have so much to do.

talked to A on the phone for the first time since her move. She had texted me night bfore last to ask how I was doing. Talking to her makes me hurt. But i had to let her know my stepdad was ailing... I am kind of upset about him just talking to her makes me more upset and i feel pretty bad right now.
It's what i don't hear in her voice that makes me feel what has been lost

Well, I asked my boss today if he could get the powers that be to lay me off. Probably could have picked a better time than when he was walking out the door; just sorta got this "now or never " feeling and went for it. He asked me why-- I said I need to go home. He said we could talk about it tomorrow, he had to get to this dinner.
OK.
So right after that i gte this call. Saw it was a Houston number. Was my sister and I know it's just wrong for her to call me during the workday so instantly I am worried. Well, my stepfather was rushed to the hospital today, very sick. Some kind of internal bleeding. He is being put into ICU and this sounds sort of bad. He has diabetes and the beginnings of kidney failure and lots of health things. He is such a good, kind, gentle man and means the world to me. I am scared.

So i felt like a heel yesterday telling the dbt group leaders that i am leaving. i promised I would be here for at least 6 months. Oh well. it's my health and my life.  time to start packing, i think.

April 1st.
that's my date to be back home in TX.
I have a place to live arranged; with a friend. She only wants 250 a month rent!
I have a lot to do in the meantime; but it's cool.
I recently realized that I honestly think I am more sane and emotionally ok than I have ever been. I am sad about my marriage; btu that is reasonable and to be expected and it's ok and I can accept that.
This whole situation has been like some sort of major shock therapy or something.
I cannot wait to get home.
I don't have a job lined up but I will have a bit of family help and I know things will be ok.
If I can be this ok isolated and alone out here; getting back to being aroound people who love me will be awesome.

Well, i tried to make a post and did it

Well, i tried to make a post and did it wrong, apparently-- it seems to have disappeared into the ether somewhere. Bah.

So, A left for LA this morning. We had a

So, A left for LA this morning. We had a decent bit of conversation yesterday, and last night her dad did our taxes. Between state and fed i am getting back close to 800 bucks. I am ok. I have become pretty clear about the fact that i am going back to tx soon. I really think it is the right thing for me to do right now. Did some fun stuff today. Went and skated the 2 known ditches in the vicinity and had some Jamaican food. Had a nice steak for dinner. It was good, but not one of my better efforts- cooking wise

Well, my therapist really thinks I have made a lot of progress.  I feel I have, too. I have my moments of doubt and pain and freakiness, for sure -- lots of them are chronicled on this here blog thing.
A moves to LA this weekend sometime. We spoke yesterday, not bad as far as our conversations go these days. There's a definite iciness to her that is almost palpable.. she's very much trying to protect herself and I can understand that.  I have had a lot of realizations about things and tried to tell her in this note:

          "   Nice to talk to you today. Look... there's some stuff I want to say and I hope you will listen or read this slowly and think about it. This is from the heart, A.
I really want happiness for you. I love you. And what I mean when I say that is that you are precious to me. Period. You are. And have been. And will be. No matter what.
I do not blame you for what has happened. I also know it is not all my fault. I do not hate you for all of this. I am not the biggest fan of the situation, but so be it. This is not how I would have chosen things to be. It was not my choice to make, though. I am accepting the situation, and looking for what choices do exist for me to make. Choosing to find the good that can arise from this situation is one thing. I am doing that. Growing and learning. My therapist is pretty amazed at how well I have handled things and how I have been doing.
Choosing to let go of resentments and forgive where necessary is another.

I am choosing to explore my feelings good and bad and learn about myself and what and who is inside. I am finding that I am a lot stronger than either of us thought. So much of my life is in a state of chaos right now, but I am choosing to be the still point at the center.
I am choosing to learn what lessons I can from all this and there are a lot. If this was school I would say that you are a tough teacher, but i have learned a lot in your class. I am choosing to learn to be the guy I wish I had been able to be for you in the past. Maybe you'll meet him sometime.
I am choosing to wish for your happiness and inner peace. I do really love you and only want the best for you and your life, A . Remember my note to my mom about how she has taught me a lot abnout unconditional love? So have you.
You are a dear, dear person. I am learning to see the gray in life (not just blacks and whites) and I still know you are pretty wonderful-- in a lot of ways you probably don't know. Please take care and know you are loved immensely and unconditionally and forever. And someone out here (hopefully in Texas really soon!) has always got your back.

Now go back and read it again please... I really mean all of this.
Yours Truly,
J"

I hope she is ready to understand and believe this.

so ...... Valentine's Day. Not a fan of it this year.  I have been doing pretty ok... honest!!! Still need to catch up on housework, badly; but getting more sleep and feeling better in general.  Just this damn Valentine's day cannot help but remind me of what I have lost and what I do not have and what I want and what I need. I know all of these are not the same thing (or person). I really miss feeling loved and wanted and needed.
No communication with A in about a week. I am sure she's getting ready to move. I know her youth and immaturity played a huge role in all this. I hope she gets what she needs out of her jaunt to LA. . I wish her well. I miss the physical closeness (not just sex) more than anything. Mentally and emotionally dealing with her wore me out towards the end. She can push my buttons like no one else and we are both so hyper-sensitive to one another, it's terrible at times.

Well, I am not as prolific lately. things I want to write occur to me at the wrong times etc. etc.
Lately I have this sneaking suapicion that this may be the best thing that ever happened to me regardless of the outcome with A. The intense self scrutiny and reevaluation of everything in my life is bearing some fruit. and I am learning to really look at me and like what I see ok.
While it has definitely been tough-- my worst fears came true (more or less) -- I have not crumbled and I have not collapsed. I am learning to live in the now much more (mindfulness rocks) and trying to face my feelings. It hurts pretty bad sometimes, but I think it probably should.
I am pretty hellbent on getting back to Texas-- I have such a great support network there, and i feel my future is back home. Resumes have been flying out with little response; but something will happen. I need to leave here. There is little or no value that I can find in unnecessary suffering and thats something being mostly alone out here is providing me plenty of.
As a friend of mine, who has offered me a room in her home puts it:
"Hurry back. I will have it ready immediately.I hope you're doing ok. I'm sure you have friends there but so many people love you here. Don't let it be a financial situation that keeps you there. It's not worth it. So, whatever you need to do just know that you can stay here indefinitely if you need a support system and you know that's in Austin get yer ass back. "
Man, I love my friends.
Had a busy weekend.
Saturday got up early for a Zen Meditation workshop. Pretty excllent. I have a zafu and zabuton arriving today (I hope-- ordered them from a company 227 miles from here-- in NC and they have traveled to Atlanta, then Roanoke VA in the last few days-- seems stupid and wasteful, but...). Practice definitely helps.
Then went and skated the ditch in Durham. Got to meet a guy I remember seeing a lot in Skateboarder magazine back in the 70's and skate a bit with him, which was cool! Talked a while to a friend who is going down to Guatemala tomorrow with his wife to adopt a little girl.
Got up early sunday and went out to an outlaw slalom race in Hillsboro (about a 15 minute drive). Good fun, although there was about a 30 mph headwind and I failed to ever have a clean run. Cops showed in early afternoon and kicked us out. I don't know what I did sunday. went to Souther Season and bought some Bacon salt, which is a quality product, if you can deal with the sodium increase. Selling off some skateboards to buy a new bicycle. Slower going than I thought, but it's going.

ok, skipped about a week on here.
figured i'd put up this message I sent to a friend, explains a bunch of the last week or so:

Well, i was feeling much much worse, and now I am at least feeling better than that; trying to just let go as much as I can of her. She's moving out to LA for some crazy reason, and I wanted to see her before she left, she said no I got pretty upset blah blah blah. I am getting to be pretty dead set on getting my ass back to austin. I am trying here to develop a life; but it's tough. People are weird here etc. I figure that being here is causing me to have a harder time than I would at home and i fail to see any value or nobility in unnecessary suffering. I am just gonna try to go on with my life. If she wants to be a part of it at some point, we can talk about it. If not, somewhere around 51% of the population are females etc etc. I have stuff I have to work on and i don't think she's gonna find what she's looking for by running away. I think that she can distract herself with a new city etc (which she may hate because she's quite the penny-pincher and LA ain't cheap-- especially for people with no professional qualifications) but I think she will still find herself unhappy. She's young and immature for her age, in a lot of ways. I am pissed she let shit get to the point where things were so messed up (to her) before she could tell me how seriously things were bugging her. That makes me mad. I am pissed because I really meant the vows I took and would bust my ass and move some mountains to make things better; had I been aware of things (my fault, partially). But I am sending resumes out like crazy, with very little response, starting to get a few nibbles though. MY job here has become unstable and uncertain--- which is a kind of instability i So do not need right now; but maybe it will help usher me back home. Praying I get laid off and 3 months severance pay and 3 months benefits... that would get me home and set up in high style. Been working my therapy and skills group and trying to make myself better capable of being healthy and happy (or less unhappy all the time) and able to maintain (hopefully) a more stable relationship, be it with A or some one else. I have to forge ahead and keep on going. She will probably realize that this was her loss (or at least quite a loss) . Maybe I'll be amenable to trying again, maybe not.

Not quite feeling so bad now, Went to the dr appt and I feel a bit better.
I finally got a txt back from a last night, at my 5 minute break in dbt group. I had asked her what happened to what she said " I'll always take your calls, or call back asap if i can't talk"
she replied that the last thing I had said on the phone was extremely hurtful and manipulative. I countered that not everything I say that hurts is manipulative; that I was letting her know some of what i was feeling. No response. Hmmm. Maybe I will call her.