SO , several things to report.
I may not have a whole lot of job security. My boss was the acting CEO and when he was in NJ last week, the new CEO was named. Much more of a company man and he and my boss do not get along well. Upcoming work related travel (to a trade show) was cancelled for most of us, the new bonus structure was put on hold (or frozen) and well, I don't know. My boss said he would not discourage people from looking around for other jobs; but recommended that we ought to try and wait and see. At worst there would probably be some decent severance.
I don't need this fucking turbulence. God , I really don't. I can try and go back to the place I left to do the job I have now, they were bummed to see me go and emphasized that the door was always open (they will probably be pretty accommodating towards the therapy thing too. They thought I left because I was depressed. I was depressed, for sure, and I know better than to tell them some of the other reasons I was unhappy there. They would have taken them personally and a bridge would be burned. in retrospect, I don't know how much was me and how much was the job. I think, though, that a lot was me and being depressed.
Maybe A and I should stay split up. I think there are things going on with her that she is not telling me. But wait, I am bpd-- so it has to be imaginary, right? I dunno. I do love her a lot.
Spoke to L, a former flame for several hours today. She is a counselor/social worker and has had some experience with bpd folk-- she had some with me a while back too. our situation, when we met and got together or whatever, was so messed up. It is almost too much to go into. Could probably make a long book out of it, were I so inclined. It was great to talk to her, though. Felt like we hadn't missed much of a beat, wasn't really ever weird or anything. Thanks, L-- you have become much wiser in the intervening years and talking to you was both nice and helpful.
Talked to my mom for a while too... which was nice. She was talking to my 2nd cousin (who is probably about 65-70 and very well off) about my situation with A and he asked her if she thought I would like to "Take a break and go back to school". He said he would pay for it! That is pretty intriguing; especially in light of my current possible job instability.
Not sure what I would take in school; but I know I would do a lot better than i did the first go round. I have grown up in some ways. Probably think about something that might lead to bit more stability. This software industry has proven rather unstable.
Hurting inside, it is snowing/raining outside and I have been unable to get out due to not wanting to deal with frozen roads and the insanity of drivers out here. A bit stir crazy and a lot just plain crazy.
Had tickets to the final cut of "Blade Runner" tonight, missed it, due to weather. pah.
Weight is down to 268. Need to drop more. Need to hit the gym.
I think i need some tapes or cds or something of guided mindfulness exercises.
I cannot wait to get back to group DBT.
Did the dishes today and cleaned up the kitchen.
Went out last night to Durham. Kind of fun; but both the friend I went with and I felt kinda out of place most places we went. Need to meet more people. need a social life.